I grew up with a non-Christian father. A father who had a horrible example of what a father was to be, like his father had before him. A father who was determined to be a better dad than what he had experienced. Growing up, the only real place my Dad and I really connected was with sports. I became a Maple Leafs fan because of the many nights as a kid sitting on my Dad's lap watching Mats Sundin and Felix Potvin, being filled with youthful excitement at every save and goal, talking with my Dad about the players, the coaches, critiquing plays and enjoying that me and my Dad had "our thing". I played many different sports as a child, from ball hockey, to baseball, to basketball, to golf, and my Dad was always alongside me in those pursuits, being my own personal coach (for better or worse) and always encouraging my pursuit of whatever game I was involved in.
Growing up, I became ever more aware of whatever deficiencies my Dad had in his fathering skills. Over time, I began to realize that outside of sports, I had no idea how to relate to my father. He had (and has) many deficiencies in his character, ones I grew bitter towards the older I became, in reflection probably because I saw many of those deficiencies in myself. I always felt that my Dad had a wall up around him, keeping himself at least partially guarded so no one could ever truly see everything that was under the surface, in retrospect probably because of so much of what he had been through. When my interests branched outside of sports, particularly into music, his withdrawal was noticeable. Observing this only caused me to become more bitter towards him over time, not realizing that it was probably because, not being very musically inclined at all, he had no idea whatsoever how to relate to this new passion I had thrust myself towards.
As my bitterness rose, it became outwardly noticeable. Lashing out at him for no good reason, poisoning my motivation to do well in school, since that was one area he was always pushing me hard towards, talking down to him, stealing things to get back at him...all because I felt like I had somehow been betrayed. My prime example for what it meant to be a man was, in my eyes, a failure, and, seeing as how I felt owed this one necessity of growing up, felt (in my mind) properly vindicated for my acts of aggression in retaliation for what I considered to be the cause of so many of my problems growing up. I was a young man, clueless in the ways of the world, and the one person who was supposed to help me figure it all out felt distant and often uncaring, leaving me to feel like I was fighting an uphill battle all by myself.
In the Bible, God describes Himself as Father. As Christians, the job of a Christian dad is to model, albeit imperfectly, something of what God is like as our Father. In scripture, men are given the leadership role in the Garden, called to work and cultivate all that is around them, reflecting the role of God as creator and cultivator, as He created all things and sustains it by his very will. Men were given the responsibilities over their wives and children, to lead and cultivate their families to be God-loving and fearing people. For example, in Deuteronomy 22, if a young woman fornicates with a man, she is to be put to death on her father's doorstep, since she is his responsibility. According to 1 Timothy chapter 5, any man that does not provide for his household is denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. It is the responsibility of every man who desires a marriage and children to model Christ in his relationship to his wife and God as Father to his children.
I ask myself, "why does God identify himself as Father?" It is a curious question, since he could have identified himself as "mother" or as "the ultimate parent, genderless in identification". And while John 4 tells us clearly that God is spirit, genderless in identification, the Bible calls God "He" and God identifies "himself" as "Father". Some have called this chauvinism and claimed that this shows that the Bible is sexist and degrades women, and that anyone who follows the Bible, at least fundamentally, will have a lower view of women than men. Yet I would greatly disagree. And here's why.
I don't think the Bible is trying to raise men up or lower women in terms of worth or value by identifying God with one gender and not the other. I don't think its meant to affect gender values, at least in the greater sense, at all. I simply think that the Bible, by calling God "Father", is revealing to us the answer to our sociological problems: that, regardless of whether you like it or not, although men and women are of equal value spiritually, everything is won or lost with the men. That the world is designed in such a way that the quality of the men really does determine the quality of life in general. For example:
-How many women become strippers or prostitutes because their mothers abused or neglected them?
-How many men become violent thugs because their mothers never gave them approval or cared about what they were doing?
While not all become so for such reasons, and perhaps a small percentage of them may have been caused by defective mothering, I would almost guarantee that the majority of problems in the lives of people in general are caused by men neglecting or abusing their role and responsibility. Would feminism be as prominent as it was if men actually loved, lead, and provided for their families, encouraged their sons, protected their daughters, cherished their wives, paid the bills, worked responsibly and cultivated as much as they could around them? Would there be a need for women to take many of the roles they do now if men simply started acting like responsible, cultivating, Godly men?
I've heard some say, "well yes I've failed as a man/husband/father, but it's okay because that is not a sin." First off, sin is not just doing what you're not supposed to do, but it's also not doing what you ARE supposed to do. Technically, it's defined as sins of COmission and sins of Omission. And systematic theology aside, you're seriously going to tell me that you can fail at your duty as Father, when GOD HAS TAKEN THAT TITLE ON HIMSELF?? That by failing as a Father, you throw dirt on the image of what God defines himself as?? That when your children look to you as a failing, impotent husband and father, and then read about God as Husband and Father, that it makes them want nothing to do with God at all?
By God's grace, He has allowed me to catch glimpses of what a perfect Father really is. So much of the damage that was done to me by my earthly father, whether intentional or not, has been healed by the glorious picture of the Father God describes himself by. The healing of those scars has resulted in the slow, painful sanctification in my attitude towards my Dad. I am nowhere near to where I should be, but day to day God patiently disciplines me, making me a tiny bit more graceful, a tiny bit more compassionate, and all the more convicted when I fail in those areas. I've learned to realize that I cannot expect someone who is not a Christian to act like one, and that my heart should not be for fixing him, but rather loving him with Christ's love and hope that God will change his heart.
I've been given the heart of God to be a husband and a father, and my knees tremble when I begin to comprehend the responsibility I will have, and the effect my job as father will have in the lives of whatever children God blesses me with, should he will me to have them. It is a terrifying thing to desire the title by which God Himself as taken on. And yet I am convicted of that duty for myself and any man desiring a family, and as my heart is being changed by God's grace, continue to look forward to it with joy knowing that with the Holy Spirit powering me, I am capable of doing such a job to the glory of God. I know I will fail to some degree, as I am human. I will not be the perfect father, the perfect husband. I will sin, will have to repent, and will have to rely on God's grace to enable me to repair anything I damage. But He who has started a good work in me will follow it through to completion, and by His grace I am able to do all things. And I am comforted that even in my trials and sufferings, his grace is sufficient, that his power is made perfect in my weakness.
To end this, let me just beg with anyone out there who is or may become a father. Please do not take your responsibilities lightly. You may never be able to comprehend the effects your role will have on any children given to you by God. For the sake of the men being raised up in your care, you may be the biggest blessing and example God will use to save and sanctify them. For those women in your care, you provide the example for the kind of man she will think is normative, the kind of man she will look to marry. As a man trying to figure out his way as a man, who loves a woman who has struggled to figure out what a Godly man looks like, I am begging fathers to do their jobs well. For the sake of the generations to follow, do your jobs well.
