I Normally Don't Do This

I normally keep personal stuff out of my blog, basically because I don't think it's the entire world's business to know my personal stuff. But I feel like screaming at the world and this is my only real way to do so.

I am tired. I'm tired of being in the middle. I'm tired of getting involved with groups of people, drama ensuing, and me always getting the short end of the stick for it. It doesn't seem to matter what city I'm in or who the people involved are. Somehow, something always happens. Some gigantic rift in some form occurs. And suddenly, I'm the one getting demonized and accused or implied in picking one side over another. Or I'm stuck there against my will with no explanation. Or I get ripped because I see the error in both sides and thus have both sides turning their sights on me. Or, because I'm associated with someone, I get shoved to the sidelines and am isolated because me being around reminds so-and-so of so-and-so and that creates awkwardness and it's better to just ignore the spare piece than to risk any awkwardness.

If I thought it would actually solve anything I'd give the finger to everywhere I've been and nearly everyone I know and move somewhere where nobody knows me at all. But it would happen again some time in some way because that's just simply what happens. And I know there will come a time, probably the following morning or week, that things will settle down, or at least my mood, and I'll be humbled by some reminder or some expression of my own pride and prejudice, lost within these feelings of self-pity, practically begging for God to smack me in the face and remind me of my place. I'll be able to suck it up and bear through another week. I've been through this before. I'm used to shit hitting the fan and splattering me in the face. I'm used to being ignored and forgotten about. I'm used to good intentions with no backing actions.

I am a Leaf's fan after all.

And, despite what Raine Maida says, I'm not all that innocent myself.